Marshall and Ernestine's Story...“The Pain of Losing a Child”

Marshall and I have three children. Our youngest daughter, Christal, lives in Arkansas. Our son, Tripp, lives in Amissville, Virginia. His son, our grandson, Eddie, was born at 4:30 a.m. on February 12, 1987. Three hours later that same day, our oldest daughter, Beth, went to be with the Lord.

On that day, Marshall had gone to work, and Christal was at school. I was home talking on the phone with a friend of mine when an operator came on the line. She said that there was an emergency and that I needed to take another call. It was Beth’s sister-in-law. She said that Beth had been in an accident and that we needed to go to the hospital. There was something in her voice that told me it was bad. I said, "She is dead, isn’t she." She wouldn’t tell me, but in my heart, I knew.

Still, all the way to the hospital, my husband and I both bargained with God, “Please let her live.” We prayed that she would not be hurt too bad. “Just let her live.” That was selfish. It was all about us—what we wanted. Our beautiful Beth wouldn’t have wanted that, but that’s what we prayed for.

When we got to the hospital, our fears were confirmed by a State Trooper. Beth was already gone. Her injuries were so severe that she could not live. Her husband didn’t want us to see her, but we wanted to see her and say goodbye. It seemed so wrong for her not only to die but to leave her 10 month old baby girl behind.

Then there was the funeral and somehow we got through that. I remember standing there with my hand on her coffin and thinking, “So this is it? I’m supposed to go away now and leave my daughter in the cold, cold ground?” That’s what we had to do. Our spirits were crushed.

I was angry with God. How could He let this happen to us? We were good parents. We took our children to church on Sundays. We didn’t just drop them off; we went with them. How could He just let this happen? How could He do it? I had to know. None of this made sense to me. We did nothing wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to die before her. I kept telling God, “I need to understand why.”

Marshall held things together. He went to work everyday, and I’d be all alone. Then he’d come home. He could fix the tractor, he had always fixed everything else, but he couldn’t fix this. I was angry with him, too.

And God wasn’t answering me. That made me even madder. Why wouldn’t He answer me?

Then one day I was listening to the radio, and the pastor on the Christian radio station announced the Bible verses for the day. The one that I heard was Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. “…and lean not unto thine own understanding.” I couldn’t understand why. I would never understand why; it was beyond my understanding. There was no way for God to show me so that I could understand it.

After that day, I had a sort of peacefulness, except for one thing. I had yelled at God. I had been really angry with Him. I had been disrespectful to my Lord. I had a strict upbringing and you just didn’t do that. I understood that God forgives everything. I understood it in my head but not in my heart. In my heart, I was afraid that God could never forgive me for the way I had behaved towards Him. That was a barrier between us.

Then my church started a study on “The Purpose Driven Life.” Marshall and I were not going to participate. We decided we would just read the book, but we weren’t going to join a small group. We’re too busy! We said, “We don’t have time for this.”

On the first day of the study, we watched the simulcast tape during our morning church service. On the tape, Rick Warren talked about how God never wastes a hurt. He never wastes pain. That thought led us to decide to join a small group. What a difference this study has made in our lives. Everything is finally more clear. We feel closer to God.

We understand that growth is a slow process, but the best part of this process is what we found on page 94. We realized that God wants us to be honest with Him. He wants us to share and confess any hidden anger we have towards Him. Often we blame God for hurts caused by others. God gave us the book of Psalms which is “…full of ranting, raving, doubts, fears, resentments and deep passions …” to show us that it’s okay to tell God how we feel. He really wants us to be honest Him.

I finally understood; it was okay that I got angry with God. God uses everything for good in our lives. We know God loves us and will always love us, and after 17 years, we can each say, “All is well with my soul.”